Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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