I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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