watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
