Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
