I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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