i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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