I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
