dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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