Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
