Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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