I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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