I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
