That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
