Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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