drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
