Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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