I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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