please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
