Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
