***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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