I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
