You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How does one acquire holy water?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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