Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
