She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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