my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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