OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
