i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
