i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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