Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
