I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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