well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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