im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
