that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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