Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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