If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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