If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Randomize
