Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
