She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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