Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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