Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
