the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.