I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
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The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.