May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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