i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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