It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
