I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
