Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
