I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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