I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
