OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
