mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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