reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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