Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
