Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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