Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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