Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
