"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
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I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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