No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
