I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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